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Apr 12, 2011
Mar 18, 2011
Get Discouraged
I was following up on warm business lead the other day, to which I experienced an unexpected emotional and physical reaction. The woman on the other end thanked me for contacting her, but then concluded with, “We already have what we need, so please remove us from your distribution list.”
When I heard this message I immediately got a bit of a knot in my stomach. For a brief moment I felt a little fearful, uncertain, and angry – both with her and with myself. Granted, all these thoughts and feelings were fleeting and not very intense; but they were there. In short, I felt discouraged.
Discouragement is the result of all those little thoughts, fears, and assumptions that add up to a real sense of emotional and physical discomfort. For some it’s debilitating: stopping them in their own tracks out of habit; while others keep moving on immediately as if it never happened. In both cases they fail to actively identify and challenge the maladaptive thoughts and fears that feed it.
As I analyzed the thoughts that fuelled my own reactions to that comment, I experienced many things that popped up in quick succession: I felt embarrassed for contacting her and I doubted my ability to be successful. I felt that she was being intentionally short-sited and spiteful. I assumed that I might never get the volume of work I want; which led to a worry of driving my family to the poor-house.
But once I identified all this I was able to see how inaccurate and exaggerated it was. I was then able to re-calibrate, let it go, and get on with my day.
We’re told all the time to not get discouraged. What that means, obviously, is to not give up when we feel defeated. And we shouldn’t give up – but we should also remember that feeling defeated, and scared, and insecure are all natural human reactions. If we deny the experience of discouragement, either by letting it stop us in our tracks or by ignoring its existence, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to self-reflect and self-correct. We either don’t move at all, or we risk moving forward in a maladaptive way.
All feelings serve a purpose. Our physical or emotional reactions are rich with data that we can use to adapt, adjust, and evolve. We can identify the thoughts and assumptions that feed the experience of discouragement, and hold them up to examination. We can then replace the faulty ones with more realistic and/or energizing ones; and then resolve to act more purposefully.
Picking ourselves up and moving forward after acknowledging our discouragement also teaches us just how far our resiliency can be stretched. So we shouldn’t discourage discouragement: we should embrace it and use it as the powerful tool it is.
When I heard this message I immediately got a bit of a knot in my stomach. For a brief moment I felt a little fearful, uncertain, and angry – both with her and with myself. Granted, all these thoughts and feelings were fleeting and not very intense; but they were there. In short, I felt discouraged.
Discouragement is the result of all those little thoughts, fears, and assumptions that add up to a real sense of emotional and physical discomfort. For some it’s debilitating: stopping them in their own tracks out of habit; while others keep moving on immediately as if it never happened. In both cases they fail to actively identify and challenge the maladaptive thoughts and fears that feed it.
As I analyzed the thoughts that fuelled my own reactions to that comment, I experienced many things that popped up in quick succession: I felt embarrassed for contacting her and I doubted my ability to be successful. I felt that she was being intentionally short-sited and spiteful. I assumed that I might never get the volume of work I want; which led to a worry of driving my family to the poor-house.
But once I identified all this I was able to see how inaccurate and exaggerated it was. I was then able to re-calibrate, let it go, and get on with my day.
We’re told all the time to not get discouraged. What that means, obviously, is to not give up when we feel defeated. And we shouldn’t give up – but we should also remember that feeling defeated, and scared, and insecure are all natural human reactions. If we deny the experience of discouragement, either by letting it stop us in our tracks or by ignoring its existence, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to self-reflect and self-correct. We either don’t move at all, or we risk moving forward in a maladaptive way.
All feelings serve a purpose. Our physical or emotional reactions are rich with data that we can use to adapt, adjust, and evolve. We can identify the thoughts and assumptions that feed the experience of discouragement, and hold them up to examination. We can then replace the faulty ones with more realistic and/or energizing ones; and then resolve to act more purposefully.
Picking ourselves up and moving forward after acknowledging our discouragement also teaches us just how far our resiliency can be stretched. So we shouldn’t discourage discouragement: we should embrace it and use it as the powerful tool it is.
Feb 16, 2011
Persuading Others To Help
Good leaders in any capacity, whether managers at work or parents at home, need help from others. They need the right people to take on the right tasks – the tasks for which they don’t possess the right amount of knowledge, skill, or time to do themselves; or the tasks that others should be doing for their own learning and growth.
But how do we get others to help?
People usually want to help because of who it is that’s requesting the help: if you’re an authoritative, person-centered type of leader, then getting people behind you probably isn’t a difficult task most of the time. But sometimes it’s not enough. You can also rely on the basic but time-tested behavioural principles of reward and punishment – but sometimes, despite our best efforts, the external consequences we apply still aren’t quite worth the effort of completing the task.
Thankfully the field of social psychology offers some additional tools in its principles of persuasion and helping behaviour:
When asking for help its important initially to be viewed as credible and likeable. This is definitely something to pay close attention to – but it will also only take you so far unless there are better reasons for continuing to help. Similarly, you’ll also need to go beyond the important but limited behavioural principles of reward and punishment; you’ll need to enable a wider perspective of cost versus benefit by presenting a strong argument for why the person should help.
Your argument should be long enough to include all the necessary details of, and reasons for, your request (make no assumptions and leave no room for misinterpretation), but short enough to keep the other’s attention and interest. The points in your argument need to be consistent, realistic, and personally relevant for the other person. They should evoke positive emotions, and appeal to his or her sense of moral reasoning and empathy. Finally, you should encourage the other person to think critically about your argument (and debate you on it if appropriate).
The other factors to keep in mind when planning your request are the timing of the delivery (it’s helpful if there’s a concurrent or precipitating event that makes the action more important, meaningful, or urgent); the mood your audience is in; their unique personality traits; and whether they would perceive the action as being socially acceptable through the eyes of their peers.
The next time you have a request that you know will take a little more work to gain compliance, try writing out a solid argument. Make a checklist of all the points raised above, and try to include as many of them as you can. Try to anticipate the objections that might arise to your request and argument, and develop answers to these using the same principles. Practice your argument well, and try to deliver your request at the most appropriate time and place.
But how do we get others to help?
People usually want to help because of who it is that’s requesting the help: if you’re an authoritative, person-centered type of leader, then getting people behind you probably isn’t a difficult task most of the time. But sometimes it’s not enough. You can also rely on the basic but time-tested behavioural principles of reward and punishment – but sometimes, despite our best efforts, the external consequences we apply still aren’t quite worth the effort of completing the task.
Thankfully the field of social psychology offers some additional tools in its principles of persuasion and helping behaviour:
When asking for help its important initially to be viewed as credible and likeable. This is definitely something to pay close attention to – but it will also only take you so far unless there are better reasons for continuing to help. Similarly, you’ll also need to go beyond the important but limited behavioural principles of reward and punishment; you’ll need to enable a wider perspective of cost versus benefit by presenting a strong argument for why the person should help.
Your argument should be long enough to include all the necessary details of, and reasons for, your request (make no assumptions and leave no room for misinterpretation), but short enough to keep the other’s attention and interest. The points in your argument need to be consistent, realistic, and personally relevant for the other person. They should evoke positive emotions, and appeal to his or her sense of moral reasoning and empathy. Finally, you should encourage the other person to think critically about your argument (and debate you on it if appropriate).
The other factors to keep in mind when planning your request are the timing of the delivery (it’s helpful if there’s a concurrent or precipitating event that makes the action more important, meaningful, or urgent); the mood your audience is in; their unique personality traits; and whether they would perceive the action as being socially acceptable through the eyes of their peers.
The next time you have a request that you know will take a little more work to gain compliance, try writing out a solid argument. Make a checklist of all the points raised above, and try to include as many of them as you can. Try to anticipate the objections that might arise to your request and argument, and develop answers to these using the same principles. Practice your argument well, and try to deliver your request at the most appropriate time and place.
Jan 16, 2011
Always Question Your Leadership
There are many different styles of leadership with varying degrees of effectiveness. A people-centered approach is probably best in general; but only if partnered with sound knowledge and skill, and delivered in an authoritative style (a strong focus on relationship with the ability to appropriately set limits and apply corrective action).
I’m currently coaching someone I consider to be one of the best leaders with whom I’ve had the pleasure to work. I don’t know if she actually knows that she’s as good as she is: she’s relatively new to her position and has lots of questions and doubts about her style. But this type of questioning is common and expected for a new leader, and I fully expect her confidence to rise steadily with experience. I also sincerely hope, though, that she never loses the habit of self-reflection.
I’ve always had the impression that this woman is a strong leader, despite some of her doubts in specific areas. It was when I reviewed the 360 degree feedback from her team, though, that I realized how much of a star she really is. She has mastered that difficult balance between people skills and technical skill; between relationship development and task orientation. She is truly an authoritative leader who knows what she’s doing.
On the contrary, I’m also aware of leaders who appear oblivious to the fact that they’re not particularly great at the people side of things. They may be good at the technical aspects of their jobs, but they tend to rub others the wrong way. They are often closed to others’ ideas and they have difficulty sharing credit.
I think this happens for different reasons: they might be aware of their shortcomings but don’t particularly care; they may be aware of their shortcomings but don’t have the skills to change; or they might actually believe this style is effective. My guess, also, is that these types of leaders are often (but not always) masking a deeper sense of insecurity with an authoritarian style of interaction. Regardless of the reasons for the authoritarian style of leadership, it’s clear that these leaders don’t – at least actively and openly – question their leadership.
We might not all possess the leadership finesse of my client, but we can always continue to grow when we’re willing to engage in honest self-reflection. I believe that my client is a natural leader to a great degree – but I also believe that she’s as strong as she is because she questions herself.
It becomes increasingly difficult to question ourselves as our confidence and competence grows: self-reflection is often done in response to self-doubt and fear of failure. But to be effective leaders we need to reclaim and hold the assumption that we can always be better.
I’m currently coaching someone I consider to be one of the best leaders with whom I’ve had the pleasure to work. I don’t know if she actually knows that she’s as good as she is: she’s relatively new to her position and has lots of questions and doubts about her style. But this type of questioning is common and expected for a new leader, and I fully expect her confidence to rise steadily with experience. I also sincerely hope, though, that she never loses the habit of self-reflection.
I’ve always had the impression that this woman is a strong leader, despite some of her doubts in specific areas. It was when I reviewed the 360 degree feedback from her team, though, that I realized how much of a star she really is. She has mastered that difficult balance between people skills and technical skill; between relationship development and task orientation. She is truly an authoritative leader who knows what she’s doing.
On the contrary, I’m also aware of leaders who appear oblivious to the fact that they’re not particularly great at the people side of things. They may be good at the technical aspects of their jobs, but they tend to rub others the wrong way. They are often closed to others’ ideas and they have difficulty sharing credit.
I think this happens for different reasons: they might be aware of their shortcomings but don’t particularly care; they may be aware of their shortcomings but don’t have the skills to change; or they might actually believe this style is effective. My guess, also, is that these types of leaders are often (but not always) masking a deeper sense of insecurity with an authoritarian style of interaction. Regardless of the reasons for the authoritarian style of leadership, it’s clear that these leaders don’t – at least actively and openly – question their leadership.
We might not all possess the leadership finesse of my client, but we can always continue to grow when we’re willing to engage in honest self-reflection. I believe that my client is a natural leader to a great degree – but I also believe that she’s as strong as she is because she questions herself.
It becomes increasingly difficult to question ourselves as our confidence and competence grows: self-reflection is often done in response to self-doubt and fear of failure. But to be effective leaders we need to reclaim and hold the assumption that we can always be better.
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